So Much To Say

Do you know how much it sucks to walk through a room with a bunch of people who "know" you
        [with a fake smile, a bleeding heart, tear-stained cheeks, and puffy eyes]
                                              and no one knows how

Awful
Broken
Crazy
Desperate  -  Depressed
Empty
Foolish
Gone
Hopeless  -  Hollow
Insignificant
Jaded
Kaleidoscope
Lonely  -  Lost
Miserable
Neglected
Odd
Peculiar  -  Precarious
Queer
Rundown
Stupid
Terrible
Useless  -  Unstable
Void
Worthless
Xenogeneic
Yucky
Zebrine  -  Zany

you feel?


It feels like I'm facing everything by myself with nothing but tears and a fake smile.

                And it's like: I want you to know, but I don't want to tell you.
                                              I'm scared to tell you.

                Because maybe it's just so much easier to be broken than to go through the pain of needles and thread trying to get fixed.

                Because maybe, despite what I'm always thinking and saying, I don't want to be fixed. Maybe it's better for me to be broken. Maybe I'm like a broken mirror: better to be left broken than hurting yourself trying to fix it.

                Because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt anyone else. Myself? That's a different story. I'm already broken, shattered, and torn. Anything else doesn't matter; I don't feel it. But hurting someone else? That would do more harm than good because I would try to fix them and destroy myself more.

                Because I want to brighten your day, even if I can't seem to brighten my own. I don't want to be the girl who gives up; the one who says "I can't do this anymore". I want to be strong, if not for myself, for everyone else. I want to be the one who can still have a smile and stand strong even though nothing is ever right. Even if I'm dying on the inside.

                So I'm giving you a red rose. Not to tell you 'I Love You' but to give you a hint about my bleeding heart, because my rose is white and it's bleeding for you.
And sometimes you need someone who will protect you. And sometimes you just need someone who knows when to leave you alone. And although you learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.
                
                And all I ever wanted was for someone to say 'I Love You' to me and mean it with all their heart. To know that a broken heart can never be fixed by force alone. And when I say "I'm fine" to look me in the eyes and say "tell me the truth".

Would you wait forever for me to make up my mind or would you get impatient like the others and leave me? Because I never wanted to be alone.

                                          I only wanted to be with you
                                                  Runaway with me…